Surviving the Holidays

On New Year’s Eve, my fiancée and I would have a picnic by the beach and we would cuddle up as we watched the fire works. While waiting for the stroke of midnight, we talked about the things that happened during that year. We even talked about the arguments we had and thought of ways to improve our relationship. We planned the things we would do in the coming year. We didn’t go out partying, we just spent the time together.

Now, it’s different, I still go to the beach on New Year’s Eve but this time I’m alone. I go because the beach is such a peaceful place. I sit there and think about my fiancée the whole night. I say some prayers for her and I cry since nobody is there to stop me from doing that. I think it’s better that I let it out once in a while, rather than bottling up everything inside. I still think of the things that had happened during the year but now, I don’t think about the coming year. I don’t find the necessity to plan for the future. I don’t know why but when I’m at the beach, I feel calm as I watch the ocean. This is the only place I go if I am feeling down.

As Muslims, we celebrate Hari Raya after one month of fasting. During this time, we visit our relatives and friends to seek forgiveness for our wrongdoings. I used to visit my relatives and friends with my fiancée. But now, I don’t even feel like visiting them. It just feels so awkward to go visiting alone. I just wait for them to visit my home. I am always at home while my family goes visiting. What I do at this time is look through my fiancées photos and think about her, and I talk to myself at times.

I wish that all this never happened. It’s just so difficult to lead a normal life again. It makes it harder on special occasions that you used to spend with loved ones.

Faisal Hassan lost his fiancée Syaibani, 19, on Silk Air 185, December 19, 1997, Singapore, Indonesia

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